Life is changing so fast. People come in, people go out, and thats just how life flows. Yet, why do I try to hold onto some people that aren't significant but are so reluctant to let the unhelpful ones out. Self-destructive? No, I don't think so. I just think I lack better judgment, always living in the present, never thinking of the future: typical characteristics of a child. So here I am growing up, taking my first steps as an adult officially after graduation on Thursday, and I don't feel a bit different from my first day of freshman year. I feel like, time just whizzed by, and here I am soooo OLD and gross. I don't want to grow up, I don't want to accept responsibility and I don't want to leave high school at all. Life is so good right now, well sortof, and I don't want anything to change.
    I'm so sick of signing into Facebook and seeing all these good-bye high school, reminiscing garbage. Like of course now you're going to look back and be like, "oh yeahh i love everyone even if I secretly hated half of them, and talked trash about every single one of them." Yuck. But whatever, to each their own. I think high school was all about a journey about self-discovery. I mean, yeah, my friends are all important, but it's what I learned and experienced which contributed to who I became. Entering high school was scary, not in the simple fact that it was a drastic change from the tiny middle school in which everyone knew everyone, but also the fact that I was starting at a completely new place, trying to create a name for myself. And that's exactly what everyone did, try to promote themselves to be important only to cover their insecurities. Get 100 kids from different towns all across Bergen County, and you'll get 100 different stories about who they used to be. Nerds were now so cool, losers became athletes, and everyone had a different story to tell. Friends formed, cliques molded, animosity, gossip, trash-talking, everything was prevalent in the tiny school based on "diversity." Those two years, were something that probably changed my perspective about so many things in life. The relationships forged, the ones broken, the ones I can now so easily forget shows me how insignificant high school truly is. The only problem is people try to make it sound so important and when in high school, what everyone thinks is so important. So when eleventh graded rolled around I vowed not to give two shits about what people thought. So three AP classes, living in bookstores, replacing sleep with coffee and energy drinks was how I spent my Junior year. Only then, did I truly enjoy the benefits of a legit best friend.
    Best friends are really hard to find. I'm not talking about that "ohmygod i love youuu we trash talk everyone so we've bonded so well but I'd turn my back on you in a second" status, but legit, best friends. And your best friend will never be perfect. They'll be marred with imperfections and flaws that will piss the crap out of you at first. You have to undergo stupid fights, ego trips, and endure silent treatments until those flaws no longer bother you. Haha, I think I'm still in that stage, but whatever. Anywaaaaaaaaaaaays, yes, but once you overcome all that, you'll have someone who you can always count on, like a sister from another mister, I think. Yeah, but thinking about that is pissing me off right now, so moving on.
    People change. Accept itttttt. And even as I say that I find it so hard to believe. When people change it's a reminder of what changes are to come and that terrifies the shit out of me. There are some people who I've only recently became close to and I wish I had met them 2349234 years ago, and then there are those who I just wish would get out of my life. But in the end, I'm so glad that I did meet everyone. All the people who entered my life, stayed, or left, whatever, have significantly impacted me so much. I'm still growing, still changing, still learning, and these people helped me to better understand what morals are, what allegiances are, and how sometimes their not even that important. (: I wish I could say I love every one of them, and in a way I do. Hate is so overrated, so is jealousy, anger, and bearing grudges. I've learned to live and let go, and that's also thanks to a lot of people, and I'm grateful for it. So I guess I'm saying I'm glad that all these people did come into my life.
      I'm not even going to pretend that I'm so much wiser though, because I really am not. I'm probably still immature and juvenile, but whatever. I'm still learning. Senior year has been amaaazing, so drama free and lovely (: I've met some pretty awesome people, did some pretty crazy things, and seriously enjoyed every single day of it. Summer 2009 rolls around and I'm so excited as I prepare for Korea, and all the opportunities going along with it. The roadtrips planned, the expected parties, lazing it up at the beach is what I'm living for, and I'm so happy I get to spend the time with people who I love most. And it's now that I can understand the true significance of family,and I realize how much I'm going to miss everyone. I'm also glad to have reconnected with people from the past who I had vowed to never speak to again =) And then there are those who've faded away due to pure apathy on both counts.Yet, it's all part of the eb and flow of life and that's just something that I'm going to really try to accept.

It just feels amazing to not pretend anymore, and that's what Senior year was all about. I think I learned what I needed to during high school and all the people in it. Thanks guys, really.

A lot of my friends are breaking up.

A lot.

So, I can't help but wonder: relationships, yay or nay?

I believe that I have had my fair share of relationships, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've toughed out smelly boys and cheating liars, but I've also enjoyed having someone to depend on and some nice Kodak memories. Love, or at least what I know of it, has been both kind and bitchy to me. When I'm in it, it's pure bliss, but when it's over I can't help but think that the pain is always equal the happiness felt during the relationship. For example, two years of happiness will amount to the same amount of hurt and suffering. Hey, it's science, Newton's Law, everything action must have an equal, opposite reaction. So, my question is, why bother to delve into a relationship headfirst in the beginning?

After messy break-ups, I protect my heart with the highest level of security. Cliched statement: "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," but I guess it can hold some merit. But, the way I protect myself, it is at times pitiful. I wish I could fall back to being naive, or my former hopeless romantic self, but instead here I am, only at the age of eighteen, sorting guys and shooing away others like a divorced mid-aged cougar ;)

I think I read it somewhere, maybe Cosmopolitan (Of course then you know its true) that men have a tendency to fall into love faster, but recuperate and fall out of love quickly as well. Women, on the other hand, take a long time to feel true love: checking every option, checking potential obstacles, and then only when they are compeltely sure that he's the right guy do they give their all. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel that women finally surrender into the relationship, losing a part of themselves to be in love. And that time period is perfect. You feel nothing but passion and happiness from your significant other, and think that nothing could go wrong. But usually, most likely, something will go wrong, and you'll end up with a tub of Ben and Jerry's crying to a soapy chick flick, while your guy is out with his buddies on the rebound. It's not fair, it's true.

Whenever there's a break-up, people also tend to take sides. "Oh, he cheated on her? That asshole." And although the break-up may end sweetly, i.e. the hackneyed, "Let's be friends" it really doesn't. Only couple days after the break-up does the bad-mouthing begin. And then the famous contest, who can get a boyfriend/girlfriend first. And once the new boyfriend/girlfriend is introduced, the critical breakdown of, "Oh, I'm prettier than her, PLEASE, I'm prettier than her, right, right, right?" So, in turn, break-ups SUCK. At times, after every break-up I wish he decides to move halfway across the world where he will be unable to access Facebook, AIM, a mobile phone, and more. Basically, I wish he didn't exist. Or, I wish I could simply get amnesia to forget everything that ever happened. Yet, he's still there, with his ostentatious pictures, and that annoying Status: Single, which strangely bothers me more than the break-up itself. So, we learn to live, sometimes barely, in hopes to find another, only to repeat this vicious cycle. So, if break-ups suck, does his counterpart love suck as well?

NO. Love is good! Love is kind! and whatever that verse in the bible says. Seriously, don't let that one guy or one girl prohibit you from sharing something amazing with another person. Come on, they already ruined your day, are you going to allow them to control the way the rest of your life plans out? The reason why you feel so weak or depressed is because you have not yet learned to become fully independent. The ability to live your life without texting them 24/7, which is good, because with this economy we can't afford high phone bills. Instead, take the time to catch-up with your friends, do something new, and let time take its course. You can't force anything, even love, so don't shack up with the first person you see, but instead, take the time to learn and rediscover yourself. Love is good, it will always be good, yes the break-up may suck, but in the end, it's only how you make of it. And one day, you will find that person, where you know it will last, and then, will it not all be worth it?

This is what I have been telling all my friends who are heartbroken: cry cry cry! Yes, seriously, cry your eyes out. Do the whole dramatic scene of throwing everything he/she gave you in a bag, play some sad love songs, watch the Notebook, IDK. But let it out. Then set a date, whenever you think you're ready, whether its two days, or two weeks, but that date is the day where you will ultimately forget him/her. Of course that sounds stupid and virtually impossible, but that day is the date for you to take control of your life again. That day you will hold your head up, and stop talking about him to your friends, because trust me they are getting pretty bored hearing about how you stalked his Facebook page, and this new slut is talking to him. So, please, for now, cry, cry, cry, but after that day, you are done for good.

Why am I so happy and lovey-dovey today? Because I just met a boy (:

Good dayy!

-J.Kim

My brain, apparently enjoys torturing the rest of my body. I relive the memories which terrify me, and it sends me through vicious cycles in which I fall into an endless habit of self-inflicting pain. It creeps up on me, loneliness, just as I least expect it, just as the accompaniment of my friends fade and the days events only linger for several minutes. I reflect, at times even relish, but that too disappears as the sun slowly sets over the horizon.It is here, that I sit with my laptop, gazing half-mindedly at the TV, thinking about tomorrow's to-dos, and the to-do's I didn't manage that day. Thinking about nothing other than the present, my needs, my wants, and then the focus slowly begins to unfocus as the constrains of time quickly lose their power. Instead, I reminisce to only fear for the future. Does that make sense?

The past is a cruel, cruel individual. He knows who he is, and he won't budge no matter how much your brain tries to fudge and edit out parts. But indeed, he may seem to be giving in, but secretly, he makes you feel guilty for trying to change him in the first place.Why? Because you want him to deliver that pain. Yes, certainly he can show you the "happy memories." The birthday party from age 13. Winning an award. The day you accomplished an achievement that you vowed was the "happiest day of your life." Yet, as he lets these happy thoughts flow through your mind, potentially bringing peace with yourself, he slyly flicks his wrist to only reveal the other half of the movie. How your birthday party was ruined by that snot who stole your spotlight, JUST as you were about to blow out your candles. How you ironically fell down the stairs, walking off the stage after winning your award. And the rest of your shortcomings opposed to your achievements.You see, and then the past beings to shift the spotlight to his best friend, the future. Actually, I want to make the future a girl, because she's so indecisive and just that much of a bitch. You see, the past and the future have some stupid, secret, but so blatantly-obvious alliance just to make you nervous and feel so miniscule compared to the rest of the world. Past reminds you of your failures, of all your regrets, of the "should have done's" and "would have done's", makes you doubt yourself, makes you think of making mistakes, makes you rely on old habits. That is what past does, and then he puts on his coat, tips his hat, and wishes you a good day. He walks out the door, and you pray and pray that the door is sealed shut, that nothing will sneak in to ruin your day, but in walks future, and she is beautiful. She promises you hope and whispers about how much the past is an asshole, and not to believe in anything he says. She bats her eyelashes, flirts a little, but just as you think you have her figured out, just as you think you have grasped her, she walks away into the night to a cheap bar, getting drunk on some tequila, and runs away to blow all of your  money.

And how could we have forgotten about Mr. Loneliness. He just watches the whole ordeal, promises accompaniment, but yet, how come you feel less human?

Wow, what a depressing entry. But not really, I'm happy, I really am. (:
I just can't sleep tonight, you see, loneliness is keeping me company.
Toodles, we're going to watch some Tv.

-JKim

Getting dressed for church, my hasn't it been awhile.
As I was straightening my hair, and putting on some kick-ass boots, I couldn't help but wonder, who I was looking good for. Of course, it would be preposterous to go to church dressed in baggy sweats with my hair being a hot mess, but then again, I was pruning myself as though I was going out on a date. A date with God! I reaffirmed to myself, but I could only count that as partly true as I recalled the cute drummer... jane FOCUS!

Anyhoos, I finally came to some resolve that I was looking pretty for Jesus, duh, and that any thought of a drummer was out of my mind.
Phew, close one.

Some words for thought? First draft, crappy much, but whatever, had to write it down somewhere. And as being that Xanga is my new, hopefully not ephemeral journal, I decided to write it here.

Candle

Burning bright, layers upon layers
blue, orange, yellow!
How regally they shine,
showing off their vibrant colors,
their life! to anyone who will spare
a few minutes.

Yet, from somewhere south,
a gentle breeze fondles the light,
hugging, caressing,
and the lights dance
in pure ecstacy.

The breeze strengthens,
takes the naive lights by storm
and they fight, but they flicker
to only yellow and blue
to only blue
only blue.

and just like that,
they are no more.

Yet, he comes.
Overlooks that this was the millionth time,
overlooks, forgives,
and replaces my candle
with a flashlight.
I shine brighter, more luminous
my Duracell batteries pumping hard
to keep going
and going
and going.

and I will never go out again.